It has been something of an exhausting week.
Even my extroverted, talkative self has been overloaded just in the past two days, talking with incoming freshmen (did I look this young and scared?), recruiting for the Honors College, directing, assisting, etc.
Hence, the tapering of my little re-entry into the blogging world, hence the following scatteredness, the abundance of questions rather than answers.
Hence all the disclaimers.
With all the frizzy hair and rubbed eyes and pinching headache, I’m wondering about the idealism I think I might have been clinging to of late as I consider options for the future-future. I have told myself that whatever “job” I might get or career I might pursue does not have to matter as much as the life that I live outside of it. I can reject the notion that “vocation” means “job description,” and instead carry a more holistic understanding of the former, regardless of whatever the latter will be.
And there’s a great deal of this I’m not ready to release. I cling tightly to the broader, or different scope that vocation can take, to the idea that where I get my paycheck is not the same place where I get my identity, or even my calling.
But this week alone has made me wonder, how much am I able to give after the 9-5 is over? If I have to reserve the true filling and pouring out until after I’m clocked out, does it all become a side project, a hobby? Will it fall into disrepair in that odd corner of the garage, next to the hedge trimmers?
There’s also the issue of my relative ignorance of my vocation, not to mention my doubts regarding the way we understand calling itself.
And so, I finish with a prayer and a promise, in case you too, feel a little lost and wondering.
O God, by Whom the meek are guided in judgment, and light riseth up in darkness for the godly; grant us, in all our doubts and uncertainties, the grace to ask what Thou wouldst have us to do; that the Spirit of wisdom may save us from all false choices, and that in Thy light we may see light, and in Thy straight path may not stumble; through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my eye upon you.
(Psalm 32:8 ESV)