so i say it humble.

Tomorrow, if you ask me what I have to say as a young person, you might get a different answer.

Today though, I’ll readily admit that most anything I have to share comes from a place of uncertainty.

If you asked, I would tell you that the things I know are few.

[But maybe it’s not really uncertainty after all.]

I might quote my favorite line from that Sleeping at Last song:

“I don’t have all the answers, just a little light to call my own…”

[I even wonder about that line sometimes. Is “light” capitalized? And what does it mean to call it mine?]

I might tell you that this not-knowing is OK, that after all, my faith hinges on a small word that starts with “m.”

And now we proclaim the mystery of faith– Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again.

[Every Sunday, I say the verbs punchy, like a protest, in the face of everything I see. ]

I would tell you I recite the creed in chorus, knowing that every line that begins with “I believe” does not always mean the same thing as “I understand.”

[I pronounce it week in and week out, so it is in my heart like a catchy song, an earworm I hope I never lose.]

But they are “I believe”s I cup in my hand, stealing peeks between my thumbs whenever I get a chance. Sometimes, they are big enough to swim in.

Besides that, I’m not sure about a lot. I’m not sure why some mamas cannot have the babies they ache for, or why the earth is full of violence. Most days, I don’t know what church is all about or the ways in which the Lord speaks to you or to me. I couldn’t tell you if it is better to be excellent for the sake of Christ or a servant of the least of these. I don’t know exactly how to be a champion of the poor and save the planet, too. I don’t always know what to do with the fact that the word that translates to “steadfast love” in scripture can also mean “rebuke.”

I do not mean that the questions do not have answers, that the Truth is beyond our grasp. I only mean to say that I’m not there yet, that maybe none of us are, and so if I say anything, I hope to say it humble, and I ask you to do the same.

I pray for Grace to bridge the gap, to change my heart and make it one of wisdom. I pray that one day I will have enough gray hairs and good stories to temper these wild wonderings.

So, now and forever, I stand and say the “I believe”s, knowing them to be true.

And I remember the rest of that Sleeping at Last lyric:

“A speck of light can reignite the sun and swallow darkness whole.”

—————————-

Though this post is perhaps less than what I promised last week, this is the one I count as contribution to my dear friend Preston Yancey’s synchroblog directed to young people.

[However, I may be the only one who cares about the distinction.]

Please, please read the beautiful words others have written, by clicking the image below:

 

Screen Shot 2012-08-07 at 2.19.15 PM

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7 thoughts on “so i say it humble.

  1. Beautiful, Antonia. I feel like you’ve taken pulse of this tension: speaking these time-tested creeds juxtaposed to all these unknowable mysteries. I feel lost there sometimes, but you write it as a good place to be, humility and time teachers while we wander here. Thank you.

  2. ” . . . knowing that every line that begins with “I believe” does not always mean the same thing as “I understand.”

    So true. Reminds me of Rilke’s challenge to love the questions and live our way into the answers.

    • I thought of Rilke when I was writing a section that didn’t make it into this post, so it’s funny that you mention it. I’ve read that excerpt, but have not read the Letters, though a number of good friends have literally opened the book and handed it to me. I’m thinking I should complete them soon.

      Thanks for reading, Jessica.

  3. “Every Sunday, I say the verbs punchy, like a protest, in the face of everything I see.”

    I do that exact same thing. However, I picked it up during my time in Oxford, funnily enough… protesting, I think, not only against the things I see in life sometimes, but also against the specific throngs of people who told me that the “IS” and the “WILL” were falsehoods.

    Love you!

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